There you are — its you, your wife, your mother, and your very energetic 5 year old boy. You’re on a very long road trip, crossing several states, and you’ve already been driving for HOURS.
The car is packed full and tight. Your wife is driving, your mother is riding shotgun, and you’re crammed in the back with ‘the boy’.
After eating a bunch of high sugar fruit (you don’t do the candy/junk food thing), your barricaded and bored 5 year old is bouncing off the fucking walls and, to entertain himself, he’s decided he wants to “wrestle”.
So, he starts punching you in the arm and leg and slapping you in the chest repeatedly as he giggles his ass off.
Under normal circumstances, you love to get rowdy and rough house with your son, but you’re also barricaded behind a wall of luggage and feeling cramped so you’re short on patience and the last thing you want to do is wrestle.
Of course, this is just one example of many possible scenarios, but what do you do in a situation like this?
Well, I’ll tell you what most fathers do (and what I’ve done in the past when I’ve been off my center and not present to who I’m being and the impact) — they lose their temper, blow their top, scream and shout, put down and degrade, and attempt to dominate and control through punishment.
The problem with that approach is, your child is totally innocent.
He’s actually not trying to “push your buttons” or “test your limits” (at least not consciously). He’s merely expressing trapped energy that must be released somehow and he just wants to experience your love and and positive attention.
His way of being is actually playful and not some kind of calculated, viscous attack.
Listen, you’re not a victim of your kid. No, you’re a mature ADULT with the power to choose what things mean and what to do in response. But your ego (fear, judgement, impatience) doesn’t allow you to see or hear that.
Therefore, when you respond — no REACT — somewhere on a scale between frustration and rage and shut the little guy down, you actually kill off a part of your little hero’s self expression as a man that will hold him back in the future, perhaps even for the rest of his life.
But wait, what if you’re not the type to get angry?
Then perhaps you use the alternative to ‘blowing the fuck up’ that and instead distract your little hero with DVD players, video games, and other electronic mind killers.
Now, I’m not saying that you should never let your kids watch movies and play games because its evil or any dumb-ass shit like that.
What I’m saying is, when kids engage in these kinds of activities in excess and especially as a form of distraction and sedation just so you don’t have to be a fucking parent and deal with them, then it can actually cause more problems by reinforcing the kind of behaviors you’re reacting to in the first place.
A kid who watches too much TV or spends too much time on electronics will become even more hyperactive.
Unfortunately, these two reactions have become the automatic and always defaults for most parents (I’ve been there too, so there’s no judgement, just reality and awareness).
But, what the hell happened to…oh, I don’t know…
EXERCISE?
And what the hell happened to…oh, I don’t know…
READING?
Holly shit!
Really?!
YES!
REALLY!
How about you JUST PULL THE CAR OVER and GIVE HIM A CHOICE between some positive things he can do with all that energy?
Would you like to do a short sprint or a long sprint? Would you prefer to do some jumping jacks or jump lunges? Which would you rather, some burpees or mountain climbers? Push ups or sit ups? Air squats or jump squats? (Note: Don’t forget to add water — hydration is key! Especially on a hot day.)
First of all, when you give your kid a choice with empathy (don’t shout it at them in a threatening way like a fucking drill sergeant) it helps them build their decision making muscles and most of the time it will short circuit their resistance.
And if they respond with something like, “neither” or “I don’t want to do any of any of those”, then you can just peacefully say, “that wasn’t one of the options, son…would you rather…?” and repeat the choices.
Second of all, what a great way to redirect stuck energy and get it flowing into something positive that will not only transform their state in the present moment by altering their physiology and focus, but will also have a positive impact on their physical, mental, and emotional development long term.
They may not love doing burpees now (especially if you use domination and control rather than empathy and choices), but they will thank you for them later when they are fit and strong as a result and have learned a positive way to deal with stress as an adult.
And then, with all that energy balanced out and calmed down, you can GIVE HIM THE CHOICE between some things to focus his mind on that won’t increase the ADD/ADHD-like way of being and behaving..
Would you like to read this book or that book? Would you like to read it yourself or take turns reading it with me? Would you like to read first or second? Would you like to read the book or listen to the audio book?
Rather than resisting your kid where he (or she) IS at the moment, instead learn to observe, listen, and redirect. Whoever your child is BEING and whatever he or she is DOING, there’s a reason and it’s most likely not as sinister as you think it is.
OBSERVE and LISTEN so you can understand where your kid is coming from and really get their occurring reality and their world. Then make an effort to show them how to redirect their energy, focus, and way of being into a alternative behavior that is positive and beneficial.
My point is, simple. Every time you get present and choose a peaceful and productive response over a violent and destructive reaction, you invest in your child’s self worth and your own.
Its called ‘BEING A DAD’! — and, while you don’t have to be perfect (you won’t ever be), you damn sure better do whatever work you must do upstream to be present and ready to practice.
If you don’t think you can — either because you feel out of control yourself or just don’t have the focus and patience for it — then maybe YOU need to hit the deck and do some burpees yourself.
If you need more help than that, then fill out the confidential form below, tell me your story of struggle — I may be able to help or, at the very least, point you in the right direction.
Your Adventure Awaits!
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.Frederick Douglass