Have you ever seen one of those videos where they put one rubber band at a time around a watermelon until, under the combined pressure of all those tiny little fuckers, it finally explodes?
Well that’s exactly what a marriage (or intimate relationship) can feel like at its worst, at least for us guys.
And when it fucking blows up, that sticky, wet, red, messy, shit goes everywhere — all over you, your wife, your kids, and any other family members or friends who are nearby.
What the hell happened? How did things get so out of control? How could you have prevented it? What can you do about it now and the future? How can you clean that shit up?
I mean, its not even YOUR fault. It’s hers! She’s the bitch who lost her damn mind and went all crazy on you. YOU’RE the innocent one. SHE needs to clean this shit up. Not you. Right?
Riiiiiiiight… 🙂
LISTEN, I GET IT MAN
Over the past 10 years, my wife and I have gotten into some brutal, energy draining, arguments — over money, feelings of scarcity and fear, feeling misunderstood and unsupported, different ideas about how to handle our kids, disagreements about what’s possible or not, and much more.
And, when we’ve allowed ourselves to get really out of control, those petty arguments have quickly turned into massive, ugly ass, blowouts filled with rage, elementary level name calling, and even shit getting broken — in front of our children!
Holy SHIT! Things can spin out of control fast when you’re not paying attention to your way of being (thinking), doing (action) and impacting others (results) UPSTREAM!
This kind of shit can and will happen when two strong willed people, who are both really up to something in world, are in a relationship together and suddenly get out of alignment with their principles and values, promises and agreements, and each other, even for a moment.
When this happens, they tend to run face first into each other’s upper limit thresholds (unconscious limits on what’s possible) and into each other like a couple of rams in battle for territory.
Constant bickering and arguing builds up pressure — one rubber band at a time — and completely sabotages a couple’s ability to consistently maintain their partnership, focus, commitments, and momentum in building the extraordinary health and fitness and deep spiritual connection they desire, in building the kind of magnificent love affair they yearn for, in being the powerful parents they know they can and should be, and in creating their next level experience of life together as a family.
It’s damn difficult to maintain presence, acceptance, appreciation, gratitude, forgiveness, love, empathy, compassion, creativity, and productivity, when you’re stuck in fear about the future, based on the past, and constantly arguing about who’s “right”, who’s “wrong”, whose “fault” it is, what’s “not possible”, what “can’t be done”, what you “don’t have”, “shouldn’t have”, “should have”, blah, blah, fucking, blah.
And how does it impact your children for you to fight like that? They say the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother and make it visible. What kind of damage does it do for your kids to see you going off on each other like that? What does it teach them about being in relationships and being married? How do you think it will influence how they feel about themselves and how they will treat their spouse someday?
When these kinds of breakdowns occur, you probably feel like quitting and walking away and, not just from the relationship, but from ALL your damn commitments (I know I do).
With your energy drained and capacity limited by a build up of frustration and anger you just want to say…
- “Fuck working out, eating well, and my fitness!”
- “Fuck meditation and my spirituality!”
- “Fuck my wife and my marriage!”
- “Fuck my purpose, mission, and business!”
And then disappear into some kind of mindless and heartless distraction, like alcohol, drugs, porn, cheating, gambling, lying, or some other self sabotaging pattern of behavior just to experience some instant gratification and just to release some of the perceived pressure.
I mean, if you go and burn yourself and everything you love and have worked so hard for to the ground, that’ll show that bitch and teach her the lesson she needs to learn, right?
Riiiiiiiight… 🙂
But what about you HERO? What about YOUR responsibility (cause) in the relationship? Who are YOU being that it is the way that it is? What are YOU accountable for?
What if I told you that all those judgmental and condemning thoughts you’re having about your wife are just as true or more true about YOU?
What if I told you that YOU’RE THE BITCH who lost his damn mind and was acting all crazy on HER?!
Go ahead and take a close look inside to see if you can find it in yourself — it’s hidden right there in your blind spot, just out of your line of sight and right up until you’re willing to shift your perspective.
When she said what she said and did what she did, whatever it was, who did you be about it and how did you react? Did you make it mean something about her, about you, about your relationship, about your life?
Of course you did!
But what if it really didn’t mean any of that? What if you made all of that shit up?
Consider that, in life, there’s what happened and then there’s your story about what happened; and it’s not what happened (what someone said or did or how) that created your suffering (feeling scared, hurt, frustrated, angry, guilty, defensive, etc).
What created your suffering was the story or the meaning you made up and attached to what happened.
This is one of the most POWERFUL DISTINCTIONS I’ve ever learned — because, once distinguished, it has you realize that YOU ALWAYS GET TO CHOOSE WHAT THINGS MEAN, WHAT TO DO, AND THEREFORE, YOUR RESULTS AND EXPERIENCE IN LIFE!
Of course, it’s easy to believe that the meaning or story about this or that is real, but the truth is that people say what they say, do what they do, and life happens and the meaning or story about it is just some bullshit that you (or someone else) made up.
NOTHING in life has any real meaning beyond the meaning you choose to give it –> and I mean NOTHING!
So then, why the hell do you (we all) do it? Because there’s a BIG FAT FUCKING PAYOFF.
- You get to be right and make her wrong…
- You get to justify your feelings, attitude, and actions and the invalidate hers…
- You get to avoid accountability and responsibility…
- You get to dominate and control her…
- And MORE!
Your ego-mind is a “habitual meaning making machine” that constantly asks 2 primary questions…
- What does this mean?
- What should I do?
…from which it creates all kinds of stories or complaints about what should have been or should be and what shouldn’t have been or shouldn’t be in life in order to distract you from what is and who YOU are being in the face of it all.
And unless you learn to question your thoughts, they will run you and your life, instead of the other way around!
QUESTION EVERYTHING!
It doesn’t really mean what you think it means anyway so, ask yourself, what else could this mean?
Maybe your wife is dealing with something else that has nothing to do with you, something she doesn’t even realize is bothering her, and because you’re in front of her and because she trusts you enough to be vulnerable in front of you, she is just unloading her raw emotion on someone she knows will still love her when the storm passes.
My wife, for example, gets into fear and overwhelm sometimes — stuck in uncertainty — and when she does, her response is to try and take control of everything around her — to gain certainty — which comes across like she is trying to dominate and control ME and feels emasculating…but ONLY if I’m being a pussy!
When I’m feeling like a pussy (read: “victim”) because I haven’t taken care of my business by investing in myself and my well being upstream, then I think shit in response to her like…
“It will NEVER matter what I do or how hard I work or what I create because, no matter what I do, it will NEVER be enough!”
BUT, when I’m feeling centered and strong, because I HAVE taken care of my business by investing invested in myself and my well being upstream, then I think shit in response to her like
“She’s just in a storm and asking for love, it’s her purpose to test and trigger me and my purpose to grow from it, so I WILL LISTEN, LET HER BE AS SHE IS, AND KEEP STEPPING UP TO LOVE, PROTECT, AND PRAISING HER until the storm passes by.”
Instead of making up some shit about your wife (regardless of who she’s being) that leaves you feeling like some kind of damn victim, make up something that empowers you and her.
THERE ARE NO VICTIMS, ONLY VOLUNTEERS!
And when the proverbial shit hits the fan HERO, there is really only ONE powerful way to respond; and that is to give up your story and your righteous need to blame your damn wife, stand strong in your center, and take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for the way things are, as if you made it all up (because you did).
Consider that YOU are 100% AT CAUSE for how you occur to your wife and how she occurs to you; and the extent of her breakdown is directly correlated with who you are being and how you are responding to her.
Its her damn JOB to test you and trigger your weaknesses — she is biologically driven to do so — and that is a GIFT because it gives you the opportunity to observe your weaknesses and transform them into strengths.
And consider that, if you’re wife isn’t challenging you and seems indifferent, THEN it might be time to get concerned because she may be banging the fucking pool boy or otherwise getting her needs met elsewhere. Oh SHIT!
So stop reacting to her and instead BE WITH HER, exactly the way she is and exactly the way she isn’t — like an Aikido master or Neo in The Matrix, just allow the energy flow and the bullets to whiz by as you move from side to side and with no resistance or attachment — and watch as she eventually starts to feel safe and surrender to YOU.
And get this…
In physics, when two identical sound waves collide with each other, they both disappear.
So, when she tells you “you’re being an asshole” and is really stuck on it, then the best thing you can do is just let go of your need to defend yourself (even if you know she’s wrong and overreacting) and acknowledge her occurring reality: “I got it babe, I am being an asshole. Forgive me. I’m listening.”
Because all she really wants is to be heard and for YOU to get who you are FOR HER in that moment. In fact, she can’t hear a fucking word you say UNTIL she’s clear that you’re listening and really get it and the more you try to explain, excuse, argue, or defend that you aren’t (or worse, that SHE is), the bigger asshole you will become for her. Even if you’re being “nice” about it, you just become “the asshole pretending to be nice.”
However, when you just acknowledge who you are FOR HER in that moment, then it clears a space in her for authentic conversation and she may even turn around and acknowledge that she is the one being an asshole (but, for fuck’s sake, DON’T expect that or try to manipulate her into admitting that or shit will go further south fast).
At the end of the day, if you MAN UP and really look past all the stories and bullshit about each other and your life together, I think you’ll find that you love your life, you cherish your wife, and you adore your children, and you don’t ever want to burn that down or let it go IF you can keep it. Of course, there are always circumstances that may authentically call for a split, but those are exceptions — I believe there is always a way when two people are committed.
So, step up HERO and don’t let any of the bullshit stop you (at least not for very long). Besides, if you leave each other and go with someone else, you’ll just be dealing with the exact same bullshit (eventually) over there, but you’ll have to start over from the beginning.
NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE
As men we tend to have a masculine habit of challenging the women we love, especially our wives, in an attempt to get them to improve and grow the way we think they should and when we think they should.
The problem with that is that only the masculine side of a woman grows when you challenge her. Her feminine side actually thrives on SUPPORT and PRAISE.
According to David Deida in his book, The Way of the Superior Man, “Praise always magnifies the quality of a woman that you praise. ‘You’re so beautiful when you smile,’ is much more effective than, ‘You’re so ugly when you frown,’ although they both indicate your desire for her smile. Praise is food for feminine qualities.”
If you tell your wife that she needs to exercise more, it will feel like an insult to her and a rejection of her the way she is. Instead, tell her how sexy she is when she works out. Tell her how much it turns you on when she moves her body. Tell her frequently what parts of her body you really like. Praising the things you really enjoy about her when she exercises will encourage her to exercise. Telling her why she should exercise will only communicates that she’s not acceptable to you the way she is.”
Praise works. Information doesn’t. Praise motivates. Challenge doesn’t.
So stop being defensive dickhead, even if your wife occurs as a bitch — instead, take a deep breath and let her be as she is until the storm passes. And stop trying to fix and change her — instead, start praising the specific things that you love about her 5 to 10 times a day and just watch what happens.
Oh, and one more thing…
I created a Checklist of Daily Rituals you can use to get out of survival mode and start living a POWERFUL LIFE, every morning. If you follow it daily, your life and experience will change rapidly.
Awaken The Hero–Your Adventure Awaits!
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
Ogden Nash