The Love-Hate Relationship With Money

Money is a topic that seems to have the power to reduce my wife and I down to a couple of wild animals run by raw emotion at times.

Part of the problem is that we each developed a different relationship with money and a different idea of abundance vs. scarcity growing up.

For me, there always seemed to be more than enough money available and I experienced a lot of abundance.

My parents gave me spending money and provided pretty much everything I needed and wanted without me having to work for it, even during times of struggle; and I learned that money could be spent freely, on yourself and others, because more was always flowing to us from somewhere, which left me with freedom around money and spending.

For her, there never seemed to be enough money available and she experienced a lot of scarcity.

Her parents didn’t give her spending money and insisted that she work for it; and she felt like she was judged about the way she spent the money she earned, even in times of abundance, which left her with guilt around money and spending.

Of course, neither of our upbringing in the conversation of money was better or more righteous than the other — we’ve both had to do some work on it (everyone does, no matter what it was like growing up, I promise).

But, as you can imagine, the differences created some significant values and rules conflicts around the subject of money (that right there is what they call an “understatement”).

The big problem is, that these conflicts and arguments around money seem to completely sabotage our ability to consistently maintain our focus and momentum in creating more money in our lives and the next level of wealth and abundance we desire.

We get ahead, trigger a conflict and argument, we get behind, trigger a conflict and argument, we get ahead, trigger a conflict and argument, we get behind, trigger a conflict and argument, etc, etc…

It’s damn difficult for a two people who are partners in marriage, parenting, and business to maintain a high level of well being, creativity, productivity, and wealth when they’re regularly stuck in a conversation for what they “don’t have”, what “can’t be done”, and what’s “not possible” — in fact, it’s fucking exhausting.

And my past failures in business and in money management only made shit worse for my wife later on down the road in our marriage and life together…

In late 2007, the business I’d been building for 10 years as a holistic health and wellness coach and and a network marketing professional collapsed and my income disappeared almost over night.

It left me writhing in uncertainty and fear with my wife feeling stuck in a place of lack and scarcity, feeling the need to hold on to every penny in fear for survival with our first son on the way.

I HAD CREATED A FUCKING MESS by neglecting my coaching and consulting practice while I went all in with network marketing and, when that company fell apart, I had nothing to fall back on.

I had not put my financial house in order with no long term planning or necessary action toward saving and investing upstream in case of a disaster — and therefore, I WAS 100% RESPONSIBLE for the concerns and fears she had.

In reaction to her breakdowns about it, when I was feeling like a real pussy, I would often play the victim in my own mind with thoughts like…

“It will NEVER matter how hard I work, because no matter what I do, she’ll NEVER see me as successful, reliable, and trust me to provide for her! WHAAAA!“

And…

“It won’t matter how much money I make or how much we have because it will NEVER be enough to break through her feelings of scarcity and fear. WHAAAA!“

It’s fucking hard to stay centered and strong in the face of a passing storm and to remember that it’s my wife’s purpose to challenge, test, and trigger me — so that I WILL STEP UP AND KEEP GROWING AS A MAN, HUSBAND, FATHER, PRODUCER, AND PROVIDER.

After the business feel apart and my income was gone, we woke up to feeling like our stuff owned us rather than the other way around — we were in serious debt and drowning.

So we sold off almost everything we owned, moved into an RV full time with the help of a generous friend, and I started looking into where and how I needed to develop myself while I searched for new opportunities.

And I was making NO progress fast.

I was going off to personal development, professional development, and internet marketing seminars and trainings, “hunting for buffalo” in the midst of winter (low on resources) for weeks at time with my wife and my son left starving and waiting for provisions back at camp.

And I had been coming back with nothing but stories about how I had meditated on a rock, saw pretty things, got in touch with myself, had acquired new insights and skills, and had clearer visions of the future (along with ideas about who and what she “should” or “shouldn’t” be, do, or feel in order for ME to be able to be happy, for our life to work, and for me to be able to produce and provide).

But WITHOUT bringing home any buffalo (money) to sustain her and our family through the winter, it left her feeling driven to step up into a more masculine role and try to take control of the situation herself.

Which, of course, only left me feeling dominated, controlled, and even more emasculated than I was already feeling — I had lost my fucking BALLS and had to find a way to step up and get some more damn buffalo.

It seemed like every effort and every stride I made, no matter how powerful, was greeted by intense fear and resistance — even a $30,000 coaching contract I closed with a single client, my biggest win ever, triggered conflict and argument.

In the car, on our way home one day, we got into a MASSIVE blowout about money.

I pulled over to the side of the road, got out of the fucking car, and just started walking.

I don’t know where I thought I was going (we were miles from home), but I just knew I had to get out before I said or did something else I would regret.

As she pulled away, I was partly relieved (to have the space to calm down) and partly ashamed (for not having better control over my emotions).

I walked for a few miles before she returned to pick me up and drive me the rest of the way home.

The break had been good for me, but I still wasn’t ready to talk about it and I could tell that she wasn’t either, our emotions were still way too raw.

Anything that either of us could say at that moment would only lead to more fighting.

Back home, we both retreated to solitude.

I meditated to presence the attitudes of appreciation, gratitude, love, and compassion and I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, an hour or so later, I felt clear, rejuvenated, and refreshed and now it was time to go to work cleaning up the damn mess that had been made.

I started with a text message that read, “I was acting like a pussy — I got frustrated and angry with you and lost control of my attitude, being a fucking jerk. I love you.”

Like I’ve shared in other posts, in physics, when two identical sound waves collide with each other, they both disappear.

And when your wife is thinking and feeling like you were being a fucking jerk, then the best thing to do is just let go of your need to be right and acknowledge, “I was being a fucking jerk”.

Because all she really wants is for YOU to get who you were being FOR HER (in fact, she can’t hear anything else you say UNTIL she’s clear that you get her world).

And the more you try to explain, excuse, argue, or defend that you weren’t (or worse, that SHE was), the bigger jerk you become.

Even if you’re being “nice” about it, you just become “the jerk pretending to be nice”.

But, when you just acknowledge who you are FOR HER, then it clears the space for authentic conversation.

When I entered the room, I approached her cautiously, as I would ANY dangerous wild animal that could easily injure or kill me out of its instinct to protect and defend.

Although she attempted to cover it up, I felt the energy and the pressure as it filled up the entire room.

We held each other for a moment, but there was no connection.

I looked her deep in her eyes and repeated what I had acknowledged by text message minutes before.

It seemed to loosen her up a bit, but I could tell that she was still angry — holding on to something deep inside that she was resisting to keep it from surfacing.

I asked her, “What are you holding on to so tight? What are you SO afraid of acknowledging and letting go of that has you constantly feeling so enraged and reactive about this?“

“Whatever it is,” I said, “keeping it in as some deep dark secret and judging, condemning, and resisting it, will make you sick and give it the power to run you and our life.“

I encouraged her to, “Just let it out!“, and told her, “I can handle it, whatever it is.“

And that’s when she fucking unleashed THE DOGS OF HELL on me, each carrying a raw HATRED from DEEP within.

She shared shit that she had been hiding in a dark cave and carrying around since early childhood and that had gotten projected on to me in secret over the years of our marriage.

“I HATE YOU FOR THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NOT BEEN FINANCIALLY STABLE!”

“I HATE YOU FOR THE FACT THAT WE HAVE HAD TO ASK FOR HELP FROM OTHERS!”

“I HATE YOU FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO CONSISTENTLY PROVIDE FOR ME AND OUR CHILDREN!”

“I HATE YOU FOR THE FACT THAT I FEEL LIKE THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH AND WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH!”

“I HATE MYSELF FOR HAVING CHILDREN AND CHOOSING TO RAISE THEM AS A FULL TIME, HOMESCHOOLING MOM, SO I CAN’T JUST GO GET A FUCKING JOB AND TAKE CARE OF THINGS MYSELF!

“I HATE MYSELF FOR ALWAYS CHOOSING MEN WHO ARE FAILURES THAT CAN’T TAKE CARE OF ME AND I HATE YOU FOR BEING ONE OF THEM!”

“I HATE YOU FOR BEING UNRELIABLE!”

And on and on and on, with blast after blast coming at me, as if she had a fucking Roman Candle or Gatling Gun aimed at my BALLS.

As I sat there with my arms and palms open, intentionally flooding my mind and body with appreciation, gratitude, love, and compassion, I invited her to let it ALL out as I took it ALL in.

It got so ugly that, at one point, I honestly didn’t know if I was gonna be able to take any more.

My old ego-identified self wanted to make it personal, feel attacked, and felt the need to defend and even destroy.

In the past, I would have used my extensive training in psychology and linguistics to manipulate and CRUSH her in response (my ego protecting itself).

But instead, I stayed centered and strong — grounded in the “observer/chooser” state — knowing that nothing she was saying, or could say, had anything to do with me or anything to do with reality for that matter.

“This was only HER occurring reality based on the illusion of fear“, I reminded myself.

In life, there is “what happened” and then there is “your story about what happened” that becomes your occurring reality, even though it bares little resemblance to what actually happened.

My wife was simply in fear, my wife was simply in pain, my wife was simply letting out old thoughts, judgments, and evaluations that she made up in response to uncertainty in order to justify her situation and protect herself somewhere along the way.

You see, its not WHAT happens in life, but our thoughts ABOUT life (the meaning we make up) that generates our state of mind or way of being and therefore what we will or won’t do and what we will or won’t allow.

But you CANNOT keep all of that shit swirling around inside of you and expect to be healthy and fit in your physical BODY, your way of BEING, your relationship BONDS, or the BUSINESS of your mission and purpose.

Your Secrets WILL Make You Sick — until they are acknowledged and released, at which point, they no longer have any power over you, for the moment at least.

Once she was able to let it all out, unfiltered — all of the secret thoughts she had been resisting, judging, hating, and hiding — she broke through the victim state of mind and entered into a state of calm.

Suddenly, she was free and grounded in the “observer/chooser” state herself and a peace began to wash over her and onto me as I realized that I had survived the onslaught of the storm.

From a new perspective, she was able to see HERSELF for the first time in her life — who SHE was being that life IS the way it is for her.

She shared that, the story of her life (her whole life) had always been that she “doesn’t deserve to be taken care of financially or otherwise“.

And furthermore, that she “doesn’t deserve to be with a man who CAN take care of and provide for her” and, in fact, MUST be with a man who CAN’T — even if SHE has to beat him down and sabotage him UNTIL he fits into that mold, her view of what she deserves.

Your Occurring Reality MUST and WILL Be Congruent With Your Identity and your brain will delete, distort, and generalize to make it so; and you will react in ways that manipulate people and your environment to fit the mold.

We ALL have a certain temperature range that we can stand for our life; a certain setting on the thermostat of our success, satisfaction, and fulfillment in any area.

If the temperature gets too high (more success, satisfaction, and fulfillment than we unconsciously believe we deserve), then the air conditioning kicks on and cools everything back down.

This is your “upper limit threshold“and my wife’s threshold has been challenged again and again by ME — the ONLY man she has EVER been with who actually HAS taken care of her and provided financially, even through times of struggle — and that made her uncomfortable.

Why?

Because having it all, everything she ever wanted, is NOT congruent with what she felt (or had decided as a child, in response to some failure) that she deserves — her IDENTITY and OCCURRING REALITY!

And she was triggered to FIGHT to stay within her “comfort zone” and HAD TO SABOTAGE any possibility of “having it all” in order for her EGO to SURVIVE!

She acknowledged that, when we met and for the first few years we were together, I was so successful and so much financial wealth was flowing that we lived a life without limitations or constraints that, while it was attractive to her and part of her loved it BUT, she just couldn’t handle it long term and unconsciously and consistently had to sabotage it somehow.

She acknowledged that it was NEVER going to be possible for me to EVER be financially successful and provide for her consistently again as long as she had “the story about what she deserves” hidden in the background, unacknowledged, and unreleased, tainting everything.

And then came her BIG SECRET about herself that she had been terrified to share.

For the first time in her LIFE, she authentically acknowledged that SHE HAD BEEN UNRELIABLE and couldn’t be counted on to follow through on anything to support our success.

HOLY SHIT BALLS!!

She said that she had been working so hard to cover this “secret” up, hide it away, and defend against it that, if anyone seemed to even suggest it as a possibility, she would attack them with the intent to destroy just to protect it from being exposed.

And it RAN HER LIFE, making it IMPOSSIBLE for her to have anything other than the script she had written.

• How could she create, maintain, or even ALLOW the life of her dreams, if she’s unreliable?
• How could she become successful at anything, if she’s unreliable?
• How could she maintain anything worthwhile in life, especially financial abundance, if she’s unreliable?
• How could a man ever trust her or count on her, if she’s unreliable?
• How could she trust or count on herself, if she’s unreliable?

It was just easier to blow everything up and play the victim.

And with the acknowledgement of all that she was set FREE from its grip and so was I, at least for the moment.

Forgiveness is not something you wake up with in the morning, rather its something you must be responsible for creating in your life moment after moment — its a way of being that you must generate and then generate again and again and again.

Why?

Because every time a “breakdown” or “failure” occurs it reminds you of every other breakdown and failure you ever remember experiencing and they all collapse together into the future — the past projected into the future doomed to be repeated with all the guilt, regret, fear, and worry that comes with it experienced in the present moment.

And, once again, you will get to claim your creations, clear your judgements and condemnations (right, wrong, good, bad, should have, shouldn’t have, blah, blah, blah), connect to the Divine Source of power within you, and create a new possibility for yourself and for your life.

Or, said differently, you will get to generate a new way of BEING, based on your principles and values, promises and agreements, and that which is expected of you given who you are for others (identity and role).

WARNING: My wife acknowledging her secret judgements and fears IN NO WAY, shifted the “blame” or “responsibility” to her, leaving ME as some kind of victim.

It wasn’t some excuse to make my wife the fucking reason for MY failures — we aren’t playing that bullshit game in our marriage or lives.

Our roles could have easily been reversed and have been; you may find your-SELF in the position my wife was in.

I did what I did and didn’t do what I didn’t do and my job is to KEEP STEPPING UP, to KEEP GROWING AS A MAN, HUSBAND, and FATHER, and to KEEP PRODUCING and PROVIDING for my family at higher and higher levels.

This is BOTH of us taking a stand for being 100% RESPONSIBLE AND AT CAUSE for our life and our results — a new level of alignment and partnership, a clearing and a stand with no constraints and limitations — from which ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, is possible!

This breakdown and subsequent breakthrough cleared a pathway through the PRIMARY obstacle that had been stopping us both from succeeding at the level of wealth and abundance we knew was possible.

And it had a MASSIVE impact on our productivity and results moving forward from that point on.

Because the woman who woke up next to me the following morning was NOT the same woman I had been with and I wasn’t the same man for her — our self respect, our mutual respect, our trust and our love for each other, was DEEPER and more STEADFAST than EVER.

And our relationship to money and wealth began to transform.

Over the next 3 years after that breakdown, my wife was freed up to start a successful business and generate thousands of dollars worth of additional income, month after month, as a major contribution to the wealth of our family, which helped free me up to step up and create Awaken Hero Academy & Adventures.

Even as I write this, we aren’t yet where we want to be financially — we still have some temporary limitations to break through and a lot of growing to do, but are taking consistent daily action toward the future we designed.

And we’ve needed, asked for, and received a lot of love, support, and help along the way — you bet your ass we have!

In fact, we’ve done whatever we must do to stay on our path in pursuit of our dreams and we’ve been blessed to have family and friends who believed in us enough to stand for us along the way by sending client referrals, offering short term loans, making long term investments, and encouraging us to never quit because the struggle would be worth it.

They saw our potential and our commitment to freeing ourselves from the constraints of our past, to facing our fears to create our future, and considered us as a worthy investment.

And a LOT has been possible that would not have been — all because my wife’s relationship to money was transformed by the courage to engage in a powerful and straight conversation about it — not completely and not perfectly, but enough to loosen her grip on the conditioning of her past that had been stopping us both.

WHO YOU ARE, HERO — your beliefs and stories about and subsequent way of being with money, your conscious and unconscious ideas about what you deserve, and your concerns about whether “doing something for the money” and “desiring great wealth and abundance” is appropriate or not — will ultimately determine how much money and wealth flows to you and through you.

Believe it!

I was recently chatting with a woman pursuing a career as a “healer” who is looking at becoming a successful entrepreneur in the process and interested in “doing exactly what [my family and I] are doing” with her family.

For the past 5 years, we have been living, playing, working, and traveling together as gypsy, nomad, adventurers, mostly off the grid, full time aboard our 40ft RV (The Argo) and part time aboard a sailing catamaran.

And, as value producing entrepreneurs dedicated to leaving the world somehow better than we found it, we work as transformation coaches, lifestyle consultants, writers, authors, speakers, and seminar leaders; and my wife is also a network marketing professional with a top essential oil company and I am also a firewalking instructor and breakthrough facilitator.

We fucking LOVE what we do and the difference that it makes and so does the person I was chatting with, which had her interested in referring some of her clients to us.

Specifically, what she said was, “I think the careers you have are amazing and admirable. You put others before yourself and that’s a rare commodity these days…I’d love to know more about network marketing and breakthrough facilitation so I can refer clients. I’m trying hard to establish a ring of referrals for clients. But I’m picky…I want to be sure that the people I’m referring clients to are in it for the passion of helping others and not for the money. You seem like you’re definitely in it for the passion of helping others…“

Of course I appreciated her acknowledgment and I thanked her, but I had to offer her an alternative perspective or point of view.

We actually do NOT put others before ourselves — because we know that we cannot give away or contribute that which we do not already have.

We believe it is our responsibility and priority to step up and create our best and highest Self, first — to invest in our own well being (body, mind, spirit), first, every day so that we may show up overflowing abundance onto others.

Anything else diminishes us and others.

Us because it would lead to our showing up with limited resources, limited capacity, and to our contributing less than everything we are capable of.

And others because they would be receiving less than they deserve from us, which will limit the value that is available and that they will actually receive.

We do NOT believe in sacrifice — rather we believe in having it all: a powerful life on every level that is loved and appreciated with nothing left out and no one left behind.

The stand that we are (above) empowers me to show up as a man, husband, and father and my wife to show up as a woman, wife, and mother and us both to show up as producers and providers in the world, or as what we call an Awakened Hero.

Also, while she was absolutely right that we are passionate about helping others (that is the driving purpose and mission for us), we are also in it for the money (GASP!)

WE LOVE MONEY and when we appreciate it and treat it well, like in any other relationship, it loves us back by giving us access to next level results, experiences, and contribution.

Money is an energy and a tool that amplifies and magnifies who we already are and what we are capable of.

With money we can invest in coaching and mentors to expand our capacity for delivering value, we can invest in our health and fitness at a higher level, we can invest in spontaneous adventures, moments of intimacy, and opportunities for learning and play with each other and our family, we can invest in our business to reach more people who need help, we can invest in causes and businesses we believe in that serve the greater good, and SO much more.

Its a curse to make the desire and pursuit of money wrong and bad because you see it as somehow less loving or spiritual than the desire and pursuit of helping people — that’s exactly why many are broke and struggling rather than living a life of total abundance and serving at there maximum capacity.

Having come from the “healer community” especially (where there is a shitload of guilt and shame around asking or expecting to be paid for sharing your gift of healing), I’ve been there and my wife has been there time and again.

But the two —  helping people and making money — are in fact linked together.

The more you help others, the more money you may receive — as great wealth is ultimately the result of creating more value for others than they expect, which leaves them compelled by the law of reciprocity to give something back to you (which in most cases means, to pay you for what you have contributed to their life).

Consider that money is nothing but a symbol and container for human creativity, resourcefulness, action, hard work, and investment of time, energy, blood, sweat, and tears in pursuit of a better life for self and others.

Money is a means for exchanging our value with each other — my value for yours and yours for mine.

And what could be more beautiful than two human beings exchanging value with each other so that each are left better than they were found?

Is there also a dark side? Indeed there is, but it is just as much a part of the light and together they make whole and complete — love is not fragmented into dueling parts.

We get and experience more of what we focus on and attract based on our occurring reality (what we make things mean) and the way of being that flows from that occurring reality.

If you believe “money is the root of all evil“, then that belief will conjure up pain about having money that you will feel compelled to resist or avoid.

If you believe that “doing it for the money is unloving, not spiritual, or greedy“, then that belief will conjure up pain around getting paid for your value that you will feel compelled to resist or avoid.

Of course it’s true that money can also be gained through manipulation, by taking advantage of others, and by exploiting fears and weaknesses — but that’s how douche bags do it and it’s not without consequences.

If I can offer you any advice, PLEASE do whatever it takes to break “the curse” of guilt and shame, fear and worry around money — you deserve to have it all (including great financial wealth) AND to make the biggest possible difference for those you serve, simultaneously.

Here’s a few tips:

1. Make A Study Of Wealthy People — read their books, find a way to meet them, and interview them to learn how they think, what they believe, and what their daily rituals and habits are; record that shit, read it or listen to it over and over, and take a LOT of notes.
2. Upgrade Your Peer Group — when you’re in an environment consistently, you become that environment and your income will rise to the level of the 5 people you spend most of your time with; a peer is someone whose expertise, opinion, or feedback matters to you because they have the results you want; love and accept your family and friends as they are and as they are not, but choose your peers wisely and make sure they are wealthy (or at least further ahead than you) in every way, including but not only financially.
3. Hire A Mentor — invest in (meaning pay money to work with) someone or a mastermind group of people who have the experience, results, and expertise that you want and need to role model; hiring a mentor and/or joining a mastermind, by the way, is also a great way to implement the first two tips as well.

Get to work implementing these three tips and it will begin to transform your “money mindset” and you WILL become more wealthy and experience more abundance and freedom, on every level, as a result.

If you want me to help you out, or at least point you in the right direction, then fill out the confidential form below and lets talk about what you need and how I can serve you.

YOUR ADVENTURE AWAITS!