AWAKEN HERO
(Arguably) the hardest thing in the world for a parent to do is allow their children to experience the natural consequences of their decisions and actions (or indecision and inaction).
None of us want our children to hurt or suffer in any way, big or small. But it’s our responsibility to teach them how life works and how to be powerful, resourceful, creative and productive in the face of it. We want our children to learn now, while the consequences are small and easily survived, rather than later when the consequences are big and potentially life-altering or life-threatening.
Just like me, my sons have Daily Rituals designed to help them grow, develop, and learn how to live a powerful life. And their responsibilities are pretty basic and simple (I don’t have them out working the fields and shit, yet) and include things like:
- Brush and Floss Your Teeth
- Make Your Bed
- Super-Hydrate (alkaline water, green drink)
- Super-Nourish (green smoothie, green juice)
- Have Fun with Fitness (basic calisthenics)
- Master Yourself with Meditation (2-5 min w/ Calm.com app)
- Create Yourself with Gratitude (5 min Journal)
- Love Learning (make homeschool lessons fun)
- Eat Healthy (70% alkaline, 30% paleo)
- Help with Chores (trash, yard, cleaning, washing)
- Get To Sleep On Time (no devices)
As well as a list relating to his way of being or attitude as he goes about life:
- Create Value (+)
- Drain Energy (-)
- Act of Kindness (+)
- Act of Violence (-)
- Honesty (+)
- Dishonesty (-)
- General Respect (+)
- General Disrespect (-)
If they complete their responsibilities and with a great attitude, they get rewarded with a $25 weekly allowance ($5 per day, 5 days per week; weekend off or used for restoring integrity). If they don’t, that’s when the natural consequences kick in and they pay a price, either out of their allowance or with burpees. If you were hanging around my house on any given day, you might here communications like:
- “Are you going to pick this up or pay me to do it?” (No? $5, thank you!)
- “Your jumping around or complaining is draining my energy. Maybe your brain is low on oxygen. Would you like to have 5 minutes in your room to do some deep breathing or would you rather do 25 burpees while my energy recharges?”
- “The free right to JuiJitsu leaves at 4:30 pm. Are you going to be in the car, ready to go on time, or will you be paying $5 for the ride?”
- “Uh oh, are you watching YouTube videos during school time? How sad. Looks like you lost a day’s pay ($5) and get to do 25 burpees.”
Listen, as an adult, if you don’t take care of yourself and your shit (keep your promises and agreements and do what is expected of you, given those promises and agreements) then life delivers consequences: You end up fat, sick, and tired. Your wife leaves your lazy ass. You get FIRED from your job. You lose clients and revenue from your business. You get tickets, fines, jail time. Or worse, you might even end up dead!
So, when my sons come to me and say, “Dad, can I have…can we do…can we go…etc, etc…”, I immediately respond with, “Are your Daily Rituals and assignments complete?” If they aren’t, then the answer is “no” and they is absolutely clear why and what they are responsible for. Let me give you an example:
One time, my father invested in swimming lessons for my oldest at the local YMCA. The class started at 10 am sharp, which means we needed to leave by 9:40 am to be there on time. That also meant that his Daily Rituals and morning assignments needed to be complete before 9:40 am.
On the first day of lessons, I made the rookie mistake of letting him go anyway, even though he was only halfway complete, with the promise that he would complete it when he got home. The problem with that is, kids are natural-born manipulators because it is our survival mechanism as human beings, like how animals change color to blend in and shit. Kids WILL take a mile when you give them an inch because they are biologically and psychologically wired to take as much as they can get.
“GASP! Not my little Johnny!” Bullshit. Yes, he is. So don’t hate. Just observe, recognize, and appreciate.
Now, because my son had already gotten what he wanted for the day and there were no consequences (positive or negative) present for him in relation to his responsibilities, my rookie move led to him doing a LOT of stalling and fucking around back at home after swim class, which made life even more difficult for both of us. So, I had to make a correction, acknowledge my mistake and make a new promise to my son – that his Daily Rituals would have to be complete BEFORE he could go to swimming lessons moving forward.
And guess what? While it is your job as a parent to set the boundaries, it is your kid’s job to test those boundaries; and one never knows how far they can go until they’ve gone too far (especially if “they” is a kid). And THEY. WILL. TEST. AND. TEST. AND. TEST….especially if you have nurtured their independence and personal power, as you should.
I got my son up at 8 am the next morning with lots of love, smiles, hugs, and encouragement to get started and with a reminder of our agreement. Then, I left him to his business while I did my Daily Rituals (monkey see, monkey do). Meanwhile, I quietly observed him stalling and fucking around for over an hour. When the 10-minute mark rolled around, the conversation went like this:
ME: “I’m going for a cool-down run and you have 10 minutes to get complete before the free ride leaves. Will you be taking that, paying $5 for a late ride, or paying $10 for a missed class?”
BODHI: “But I’ve still got 5 more things to do dad!” (in his best Whiners voice from that old Saturday Night Live skit)
ME: “Well then, you may want to hustle, IF you plan on going to swimming lessons today and being on time (smile).”
Then, I was out the door…VROOM! VROOM!… And, when I returned, he was finally in motion, but it was 9:40 am and he was going to be late.
Now, this is where most parents start the domination and control game (if not sooner) because they’re more attached to little Johnny getting to class, being there on time, and not wasting the investment that was made. Listen, shit happens and I’m not perfect either, so don’t sweat. However, I am much more interested in and committed to my sons learning how to think for themselves, not what to think and how to really LIVE life on their own terms. They cannot learn that IF I rob them of the natural consequences of their own decisions and actions by doing the thinking for them and constantly force them to follow through.
So, I didn’t say a word and decided to bounce on the rebounder for some extra cool down while I waited patiently for him to come to me. After about 15 minutes, he finally came over and the conversation went like this:
BODHI: “Dad, can I just finish the rest of this after swimming?” (cue The Whiners again)
ME: “I’m sad to say buddy, but it is 9:55 am and you are already late for swimming class. And at this point, given all you still have to complete, we won’t get there in time, so you’ll have to miss class today. But it is no worries because you can just pay me the $10 (cost per class) to cover my investment. Remember, classes are always free for boys who make it to class on time.”
Of course, he was upset and he cried. So, I hugged him and said, “You know buddy, I feel really sad when you choose to be late or miss lessons, but I know that you are learning something very important from this experience, and you’ll have other opportunities. I love you.“
No judgment, no shaming, no yelling, no screaming, and ONLY EMPATHY AND LOVE! (*ideally… as I said, I’m not perfect either and sometimes I lose my shit, just like you). And, with that, he went off to his room to “take some time for himself” and gather his thoughts and feelings so he could complete his assignments.
What was the result?
After being in his room for about 15 minutes, he came out HAPPIER than he had been all day. He had processed himself through his own feelings about it all, taken note of what he needed to learn, and then completed his assignments powerfully, with a great attitude. He was literally singing “THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVEEER! (repeat, repeat, repeat),” which he loves to do when he is feeling great.
Yep, you read that right, but… What. The. Fuck. Over?… How is it possible?
It is possible because honoring my word and the boundaries I set while allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his own decisions and actions WITH LOVE AND EMPATHY actually gives him THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOVED. Just let THAT sink in for a minute.
Listen, man—as a parent, you ALWAYS have a choice to either:
-> Swoop in and save them from every fucking challenge and consequence…and you will cripple them for life by giving them a poor self-concept and teaching them learned helplessness which exposes them to co-dependency, OR…
-> Dominate and control them with yelling, force, and fight…and you will cripple them for life by giving them a poor self-concept and teaching them a subjective reality which exposes them to peer pressure…
And in either case, they will be left feeling DISHONORED and UNLOVED, which will quickly turn them into a fucking SHEEP (a co-dependent follower of anyone and everyone else who appears to have more confidence and more power than they have themselves)!
But there is also a third option. As a role model, coach and consultant… can operate from a place of love and empathy and allow them to make a LOT of decisions for themselves from the MANY small choices you give them, within appropriate and healthy boundaries. You can allow them to take action (or not) within those boundaries and experience the natural consequences of their decisions and actions (don’t forget the love and empathy).
Do so will leave them feeling HONORED and LOVED and will turn them into a fucking WOLF (an interdependent leader of anyone and everyone else who has less, or equal, confidence and power than they have themselves)! And it all starts and ends with your choices. So, CHOOSE WISELY.
Want access to our Daily Rituals?
I created a Checklist of our Daily Rituals that you can use to get out of survival mode and start living a POWERFUL LIFE. And it also works for kids! (*with age-appropriate adjustments). Follow it daily and your life and experience will change rapidly, and so will your kid’s, even just from observing you.
Awaken The Hero–Your Adventure Awaits!
Who makes himself a sheep will be eaten by the wolves.Old English Proverb