Recently, someone who is hurting and in pain lashed out at my deceased brother and his friends on Facebook because of a story they have and are stuck with about what happened and how they were treated in the past.
The things this person said seemed horrifying and it was very upsetting and painful to read — I didn’t want to believe them, I felt “activated”, and I wanted to react defensively when I read them.
I wanted to wage war and do harm.
But then I considered the possible impact of an unconscious defensive reaction — on myself, on the person who made the comments, on my family, and in the world — and I decided I didn’t want my family or my brother’s friends to have a “war of the hurt and unconscious” looping on their news-feed and in their face unnecessarily, if I could help it.
I believe that I am 100% responsible and at cause for the way things go in life and that their are no victims, only volunteers.
So I chose to let go of any meaning I was making up about it, my need to be right about that meaning, and my right to react to it, no matter how valid or justified, and I deleted the comment and blocked the person rather than perpetuating the hurt, pain, and hate.
Unfortunately, this person made other comments to other people elsewhere and others felt the need to respond differently — not better or worse, just different — and the comments I deleted popped up in my news-feed again when someone re-posted them along with a hurt and angry, and of course valid and justified, reaction.
Regrettably, my reaction was triggered the second time I saw it and, before I could catch myself, I got into an argument with someone who was just as hurt by the person’s statements about my brother and his friends as I was.
I demanded that they immediately remove their re-post of the comments under threat and they kindly accommodated my ‘request’, but they also called me out on my way of being about it, which gave me an opportunity to take responsibility, apologize, and ask for forgiveness.
Its in our nature, as human beings, to want to go to war when we’re feeling hurt and pain, especially when we feel that the hurt and pain has been or is being caused by someone else.
But isn’t the “someone else” we’re reacting to (when we do) just doing the same — going to war in reaction to feelings of hurt and pain they feel were or are being caused by someone else?
Where does the cycle end and with whom?
See, hate is nothing more than fear, hurt, and pain projected onto others.
Something happened in the past (someone said or did something 5 seconds ago, 5 minutes ago, or 5 years ago) and you made it mean something about yourself, others, the world, or all three.
“I was attacked and didn’t deserve it!”
“They are a bully and deserve to suffer for it!”
“The world is a harsh and unsafe place!”
“I need to destroy others before they destroy me!”
How do you feel inside and react when you think thoughts like that about yourself, others, and the world? Does it really ease your suffering and end suffering in the world?
The meaning you make up, the scenario you play out (and replay) in your mind, the story you tell (and retell) to others, occurs like the truth, like reality, like its what actually happened.
You feel afraid and you feel pain — its scary and it hurts and its painful — and you just want to get rid of it somehow, so you try to put it on someone else or perhaps even on a group of people.
If you pick up something that is burning hot, you’ll do everything you can to drop it, even if giving it to someone else seems like the only way.
But responding to hate with hate never leads to healing and peace of mind for anyone, rather it only leads to more hate, makes war, and leaves death and destruction in its wake.
Consider that, if someone is lashing out at you or someone you love, no matter how “violent” and “nasty” it seems to be, then they’re really just hurting and scared and trying to save themself.
They’re really just calling out for love and forgiveness, they just don’t know it.
Aren’t you? Isn’t that what you really want when you’re hurting and in pain?
It doesn’t even matter if its “the truth” for you because for them “it is” and its all they know — they are doing the best they can to save themselves with the resources they have on the path to perceived freedom they believe they see.
People who scream and shout just want to be heard and understood.
So let them say what they will, take responsibility for whatever you can claim as your own (which requires you to turn your thoughts around and look inside yourself to see if what you think is true about them is at least as true about yourself), forgive them for their insanity and their trespass, forgive yourself for your insanity and your role in and your part of the matter (if you can find it) and for any judgement and condemnation you’re holding on to in your heart for them.
As I see it, you really only have two choices:
1) You can be a victim of fear and guilt, unconsciously react, feed the hurt and the pain, and inflame it like wind to fire with resistance, defensiveness, and counter attack…
OR
2) You can be a cause for love and forgiveness, consciously choose to respond (or not respond), starve the hurt and the pain by allowing it (granting it the freedom to be) with understanding, and extinguish it like water to flame…
A really useful set of resources for dealing with stressful thoughts, reactions, beliefs, and judgements about yourself, others, and the world — anything that is causing you suffering, including thoughts about wanting to harm others or yourself — are available in the book Loving What Is (I recommend the audio book which includes live demonstrations), the audio program The Work On Relationships (available on Audible.com), both by Byron Katie, and at her website www.TheWork.org.
And if you want help, then fill out the confidential form below, lets talk about what you’re dealing with, and get you through it together.
Your Adventure Awaits!
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”Byron Katie, Loving What Is